My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
