I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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