Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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