This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
