the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
