Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
