...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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