my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
