I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
