I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
