you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
