So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
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To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
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We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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