Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
