do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
