im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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