Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
