I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
