sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
