You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
