I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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