I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Randomize
