i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
