Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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