I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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