so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
