i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just invented taco cereal.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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