I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
