If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
