I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
