The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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