if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
