How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
