so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I need to align my fucking chakras
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
