Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm getting married
To pizza
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
