Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
