Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
