Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
