The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
