you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
