I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
