He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
