My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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