Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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