im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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