Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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