Apparently you make a good broom.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
