I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
