just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.