I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
