My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
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We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.