oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
