I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
