remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
