no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
