What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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