I faked an abortion last night.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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