I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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