Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
