do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
