So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
