forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
