...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
