You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
