Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
